Reflecting on Grief

By Lisa Bedinger

I’ve had another wave of grief arise in recent days. Grief is a familiar companion for me; my father died when I was very young. Yet, this most recent arrival has taken me by surprise. I can tell the grief is ready to move on and leave my body. I know that it’s rising up so it can be healed and released. This doesn’t mean it’s comfortable or not confusing.

While checking in with a colleague at the beginning of a meeting, I mentioned how I was doing lately. He asked if I am familiar with Francis Weller’s Five Gates of Grief. I understand the gates as types or categories of grief. I hadn’t heard of them before. A summary of my understanding of the gates is:

• First Gate: The grief of impermanence. “Everything we love, we will lose.” This can include prior losses we’ve experienced.

• Second Gate: “The places within ourselves that have not known love.”

• Third Gate: “The sorrows of the world.”

• Fourth Gate: “What we expected and did not receive.” Things we may never realize we have lost, because we weren’t born into a village with full joyous welcome of our gifts. At the core of this grief is our longing to belong and longing to be longed for.

• Fifth Gate: “Ancestral Grief.” Unacknowledged and untended sorrow of those who came before us.

Two books I read helped surface my grief: Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson, which is about teen girls struggling with eating disorders, and We are the Light by Matthew Quick, which addresses the mistreatment and isolation of white boys. These books both moved me and shook me up. They also are helping me learn, heal, and grow. I’m glad I read them for the healing they are bringing me.

For me, having language and a framework like the gates is so helpful as I explore this grief and the particular mix of the five gates I’m experiencing. One of the themes that runs through my own grief and the books I’ve just read is loneliness, aloneness, and the unmet need for belonging. This is primarily found in the Fourth Gate above. It’s hard to really look at how alone I was as a teenager. What I’m also realizing is how connected that experience as a teenager is to confusion about myself and incorrect conclusions I came to about myself that I am unlearning as an adult. This connects to the Second Gate above. 

As the world is hurting, it’s possible you may be experiencing grief yourself. You may also be noticing teens around you who are utterly alone. These matter. Noticing and acknowledging these for ourselves and others makes a difference. As we heal ourselves, we are more available to show up for others around us. Much love to you and to all of us as we hold and heal our collective grief.